Just another letter from one grateful partner.

M,

Thank you for this week.. and every week you have to put up with my hormone-driven mood swings. I know I’m being too much at times, but thank you for the extended patience and much-needed understanding.

I love you.

I know I seem cold most of the time and I tend not to pay attention when I’m engrossed with what I’m doing, but know this:

You are the best thing that happened to me. You are the miracle I prayed hard for. You are everything I thought I’d never have, but you came my way and made everything better.

Thank you, M.

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To the girl before me

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“Thank you for letting him go, that’s the one mistake I will never commit. I realized something you didn’t— it’s that he deserves hands that will never relinquish its grip on him, hands that will hold him faithfully and undoubtedly. He didn’t deserve someone who couldn’t love what he was and what he was not, someone who couldn’t cherish his entirety.

I know you’re a past that’s been peeking at his present. You don’t have to act and pretend that nothing has changed. That his voice is still yours, like his smile and his family still belongs to you. When you lost him, you lost the multiverse that he is. When you lost him, you lost a lot. You lost his soft heart, his deserving hands, his morning voice, his undeniably heart-melting efforts, and his charming genes. You will be nostalgic of the kids you will never get to have with him. And I assure you, I will be gentle with all of the things that you lost. I was put on this exact universe to hold him infinitely. I love him in a capacious ballroom floor. In scrupulous care. In tenuous walls. In an endless earth rotation. I love him in ways you failed to. I love him without any intent of quitting.

Every single cell in a human body dies and is replaced with new cells all the time. Like being reborn again and again. The man who loves me isn’t the same man who used to be there for you. There is no longer a part of him that you have touched. He is no longer the same man you knew. You are only a memory too distant to be remembered. Like one of the stories your playmate told you when you were in kindergarten— slowly slipping out of your memory lane. Like the color of lunchbox you had in fourth grade— faded and unremembered.”

— Shi Collantes, The Present

Just another letter of gratitude.

I used to fear sleep — how the subconscious mind takes over and all hell breaks loose.

I hate losing control over my reality, so I kept myself awake as much as I could.

Then I met you.

You were there every time I broke down — you took me in your arms and made me calm.

You killed all the monsters in my head, and hushed every unwanted thought I had.

You are my knight, not in shining armor, but in weathered battle suit, because you keep fighting my every war.

And you win them for me, every single time.

A letter of gratitude

For correcting me when I make mistakes,
For understanding my need (as an introvert) for time and space,
Thank you.

For taking care of me when I am ill and weak,
For cheering me up whenever I lose my will,
Thank you.

For standing with me when I am wronged,
For putting aside our differences to make this work,
Thank you.

Last words

I don’t know which one is worse:

You trying to tear me down without knowing the full story (and many other side stories, if you know what I mean),

Or you carelessly bragging about your philandering husband and his cheating on you, while you try to smear my name (again, without knowing the truth).

Either way, I pity you.

P.S. You both can keep my money. It seems like you need it more than I do.

Don’t you dare bother me or my family again. Or, I swear to God, I’ll drag you both to a small claims court.

Have a good life.

The Puppeteer

Keep feeding your family lies and deceit. I’ll just watch you desperately come up with more stories because at the end of the day, they still don’t know the whole story.

They’ll be on your strings, while you orchestrate another show because that’s how well-versed you are in manipulating people.

You lie, you cheat, you steal. But you will eventually run out of luck, that I’m sure.

So carry on.

6AM Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder what exactly happened.
How did we get together?

We were just friends two months ago,
(though I’ve known you since last year)
and now we are inseparable.

I can’t pinpoint what led us here,
but what I know is this:

I love you.
More and more.
Everyday.

#ATM: August 2017

  • Spent half of the month teaching a 10-year old Chinese boy (who tested my patience and negotiation skills)
  • Random team huddle.
  • Moved closer to BGC, and strolled around High Street the day after to take some photos
  • Visited M’s parents for his brother’s birthday
  • Took a long leave and went back home (after 7 months) with M

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  • Celebrated M’s birthday!

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  • Still in love with this guy.
  • Selfies~

Dear M

I know you’re already sleeping, and you’ll probably read this when you wake up, but my mind is spilling with words and my emotions are high, hence I am writing this now..

Thank you for existing, and for sharing your time and life with me. You are the best decision I made this year.

Thank you for proving I am worthy to be loved and respected. You taught me that I deserve to be treated like a queen.

Thank you for changing how I think about love, relationships and commitment. You showed me I am someone to be proud of and not kept hidden.

We have just started, but you have done many things for me — things I haven’t experienced in a long time and/or have yet to experience.

I thank whoever or whatever is working to bring us together. The odds have been in my favor since you came.

With you, I am the luckiest girl in the world.

A second chance to get things right

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There was a man who loved me beyond words. But I broke him, and bad karma followed me since then.

After we broke up, I’ve had my fair share of dysfunctional relationships, where I learned a thing or two about love and life.

Like how you can never be enough for someone who doesn’t know what he wants. Or how you cannot force someone to love you the way you want to because love isn’t something you impose. I’ve learned how a one-sided romance can mentally destroy and emotionally drain you, and how it alters your view about how you expect you be treated.

I already accepted the fact that I’d never be good enough for anyone. Until I met another good man.

You see, when you’re from a dysfunctional relationship and someone treats you well, you start having trust issues. You start asking why he’s too good — you wonder if he’s just toying with you, or if he’s only doing it to score a sexual favor. You can’t believe his reasons for doing so because whatever he says just seems too good to be true. But a good man makes you realize how you should be treated — special and with utmost respect. You don’t have to prove anything because a good man knows your worth and won’t waste an opportunity to be with you.

I am lucky to have met another good man. I must have done something right to deserve another chance.

#ATM: July 2017

  • Random hangouts.

 

  • Team huddles!

 

  • Spent a lot of time with one of my students, Suzie. She’s like my sister from another mother~

 

  • Made a tough decision not to apply for my desired position.
  • Took fewer selfies because I was a little busy with work.

 

  • In love with this guy.

 

From me to you

Let me set your expectations: being with me will drive you crazy.

I will be clingy and needy, then completely shut you out. For no reason.

I will crave for your touch, then hate you for too much physical contact. Just because.

I will demand for your time, but I’ll ignore you if I want to.

I will require your attention and loyalty, yet I will keep myself preoccupied with my goals.

I will keep you on your toes all the time. I will make you question where you stand in my life. And this will eventually drive you mad.

Being with me will drive you crazy..

But rest assured, you will have all of me.

I guess this is how our story ends.

I saw you today, and my heart didn’t skip a beat.

I saw you from a distance, looking exactly the same when I last saw you. There you were, standing in the middle of a busy walkway, waiting for me. Which seems funny since I was always the one waiting for you.

I walked faster, not because I was excited to see you. I just wanted to get this over with.

You smiled when you saw me. I didn’t. My face was as blank as what I was feeling for a while.

Normally, I wouldn’t be able to hide how happy I was to spend time with you. But today, it felt as if I was meeting an acquaintance I haven’t seen for long time. Everything looked familiar — except I felt disconnected.

You knew something was off. You knew there was space between us so you tried to engage me, as if nothing happened.

As if nothing happened. The very reason we ended up like this. You did me wrong, told me you were sorry — and that’s it. In a fit of anger, I asked you to exert some effort just this once. I waited.

I waited for nothing.

Our meeting was brief — you had to go to work and I had a class. Back then, I’d whine because no matter how much time we spent together, it always seemed too short. I always asked for more, but you had other things to attend to, so I had to wait until next time.

I actually thought I could keep this up. I told you what I needed. I told you what I was afraid of. I was ready to do anything for you, you just had to keep your end of the bargain. You tried, but you couldn’t.

You knew once I cross my limit, there’s no going back. You tried your luck, and here we are.

I’m sorry.

Sorry, but I’m beyond exhausted.

​Letting go of people isn’t as dramatic as most people portray it to be. Sometimes, it’s just you, in the middle of the night, lost in your thoughts, trying to make sense of what happened and is (still) happening.

Then something snaps.

You forget how to feel for awhile. You struggle to remember why you’re doing things for people in the first place. You convince yourself that you love them and you can endure anything for them, but your words come out as empty as every promise they made.

And a realization dawns on you: you’ve had enough.

You can’t make yourself cross another line for them because now, you see what they won’t do for you. Even if they can.

It’s sad to walk away from people you care about most. But when you have to keep killing your own mind so you can deal with the insanity of the situation, what other choice do you have? When you have to lose yourself in the process of building them up, what else is there to live for?

Blurred lines

You keep hiding.
You keep lying.

But why?
What for?

Have I not proven myself enough?
You think you have me in the palm of your hand?

I told you to tell me everything –
Anything –
Because I will understand.
I will try my best to understand.

Yet you break my heart,
you break my trust.

Now, I’m having difficulty distinguishing
where your truth ends and your lies begin.

Hello, mister.

One dysfunctional relationship after another,
I started to question if I was asking for too much.
What others got easily, I have to find with difficulty.

Meeting the wrong people at the right time,
Meeting the right people at the wrong time.
I just couldn’t get it right.

And then you came.
I don’t know what to make of your presence in my life,
But the way you crave for me makes me believe that maybe —
Just maybe —
Someone’s meant for me.