6AM Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder what exactly happened.
How did we get together?

We were just friends two months ago,
(though I’ve known you since last year)
and now we are inseparable.

I can’t pinpoint what led us here,
but what I know is this:

I love you.
More and more.
Everyday.

Dear M

I know you’re already sleeping, and you’ll probably read this when you wake up, but my mind is spilling with words and my emotions are high, hence I am writing this now..

Thank you for existing, and for sharing your time and life with me. You are the best decision I made this year.

Thank you for proving I am worthy to be loved and respected. You taught me that I deserve to be treated like a queen.

Thank you for changing how I think about love, relationships and commitment. You showed me I am someone to be proud of and not kept hidden.

We have just started, but you have done many things for me — things I haven’t experienced in a long time and/or have yet to experience.

I thank whoever or whatever is working to bring us together. The odds have been in my favor since you came.

With you, I am the luckiest girl in the world.

A second chance to get things right

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There was a man who loved me beyond words. But I broke him, and bad karma followed me since then.

After we broke up, I’ve had my fair share of dysfunctional relationships, where I learned a thing or two about love and life.

Like how you can never be enough for someone who doesn’t know what he wants. Or how you cannot force someone to love you the way you want to because love isn’t something you impose. I’ve learned how a one-sided romance can mentally destroy and emotionally drain you, and how it alters your view about how you expect you be treated.

I already accepted the fact that I’d never be good enough for anyone. Until I met another good man.

You see, when you’re from a dysfunctional relationship and someone treats you well, you start having trust issues. You start asking why he’s too good — you wonder if he’s just toying with you, or if he’s only doing it to score a sexual favor. You can’t believe his reasons for doing so because whatever he says just seems too good to be true. But a good man makes you realize how you should be treated — special and with utmost respect. You don’t have to prove anything because a good man knows your worth and won’t waste an opportunity to be with you.

I am lucky to have met another good man. I must have done something right to deserve another chance.

From me to you

Let me set your expectations: being with me will drive you crazy.

I will be clingy and needy, then completely shut you out. For no reason.

I will crave for your touch, then hate you for too much physical contact. Just because.

I will demand for your time, but I’ll ignore you if I want to.

I will require your attention and loyalty, yet I will keep myself preoccupied with my goals.

I will keep you on your toes all the time. I will make you question where you stand in my life. And this will eventually drive you mad.

Being with me will drive you crazy..

But rest assured, you will have all of me.

I guess this is how our story ends.

I saw you today, and my heart didn’t skip a beat.

I saw you from a distance, looking exactly the same when I last saw you. There you were, standing in the middle of a busy walkway, waiting for me. Which seems funny since I was always the one waiting for you.

I walked faster, not because I was excited to see you. I just wanted to get this over with.

You smiled when you saw me. I didn’t. My face was as blank as what I was feeling for a while.

Normally, I wouldn’t be able to hide how happy I was to spend time with you. But today, it felt as if I was meeting an acquaintance I haven’t seen for long time. Everything looked familiar — except I felt disconnected.

You knew something was off. You knew there was space between us so you tried to engage me, as if nothing happened.

As if nothing happened. The very reason we ended up like this. You did me wrong, told me you were sorry — and that’s it. In a fit of anger, I asked you to exert some effort just this once. I waited.

I waited for nothing.

Our meeting was brief — you had to go to work and I had a class. Back then, I’d whine because no matter how much time we spent together, it always seemed too short. I always asked for more, but you had other things to attend to, so I had to wait until next time.

I actually thought I could keep this up. I told you what I needed. I told you what I was afraid of. I was ready to do anything for you, you just had to keep your end of the bargain. You tried, but you couldn’t.

You knew once I cross my limit, there’s no going back. You tried your luck, and here we are.

I’m sorry.

Sorry, but I’m beyond exhausted.

​Letting go of people isn’t as dramatic as most people portray it to be. Sometimes, it’s just you, in the middle of the night, lost in your thoughts, trying to make sense of what happened and is (still) happening.

Then something snaps.

You forget how to feel for awhile. You struggle to remember why you’re doing things for people in the first place. You convince yourself that you love them and you can endure anything for them, but your words come out as empty as every promise they made.

And a realization dawns on you: you’ve had enough.

You can’t make yourself cross another line for them because now, you see what they won’t do for you. Even if they can.

It’s sad to walk away from people you care about most. But when you have to keep killing your own mind so you can deal with the insanity of the situation, what other choice do you have? When you have to lose yourself in the process of building them up, what else is there to live for?

Blurred lines

You keep hiding.
You keep lying.

But why?
What for?

Have I not proven myself enough?
You think you have me in the palm of your hand?

I told you to tell me everything –
Anything –
Because I will understand.
I will try my best to understand.

Yet you break my heart,
you break my trust.

Now, I’m having difficulty distinguishing
where your truth ends and your lies begin.

Hello, mister.

One dysfunctional relationship after another,
I started to question if I was asking for too much.
What others got easily, I have to find with difficulty.

Meeting the wrong people at the right time,
Meeting the right people at the wrong time.
I just couldn’t get it right.

And then you came.
I don’t know what to make of your presence in my life,
But the way you crave for me makes me believe that maybe —
Just maybe —
Someone’s meant for me.

Take my hand, I’ll be your escape.

Do you remember the night you promised to see the stars?
We talked about how we’ll catch falling stars and sleep under the skies.
We always dreamed of going away, but we had to keep chasing the sun, so we couldn’t go far.
The stars are eternal, but our days are numbered.

Tell me, are we ever going to see the stars?

What I’ll tell my future daughter about love, Part 1

Someday, when I have a daughter,
I’ll tell her everything I learned about love.

I may not know what love is exactly,
But I can at least tell her how it feels.

I’ll tell her how my heart skipped a beat when I was 12,
For a boy whose IQ surpassed everyone in our city,
Whose charisma overflowed that girls our age eyed me with envy,
Whose Vic Sotto-inspired pick up lines I found very funny.

I’ll tell her how awkward it felt the first time I held his hand,
How embarrased I was the first time he hugged me tight.

I’ll tell her how confusing it was when my parents learned I liked someone,
How they told me to stop because whatever I was feeling surely wasn’t love,
How they told me to focus on my studies so I wouldn’t end up marrying young.

I’ll tell her how high school passed by with a string of flings,
How I couldn’t have a relationship like my peers because my parents kept an eye on me.

I’ll tell her how a boy in my university made me weak in the knees,
How I was finally free to like someone back, away from my parents’ scrutiny.

I’ll tell her how it broke my heart when he told me he was leaving,
That we had to break up because it would be hard for us to keep dating.

I’ll tell her how I met another boy who fixed my broken heart,
How I clung onto his promises during the lowest point of my life,
And how he turned out to be as toxic as the memories that dragged me down.

[ to be continued ]

Dear Old Love

We’re ten years apart, but age was just a number for us.

You knew me like the back of your hand.
How I turned into a chatterbox when I was with you.
How I always fell silent when I was upset.
How I tried hard to keep it in so I wouldn’t say something I’d regret.
How we’d hug it out after our silence because some things were better left unsaid.

You understood me more than I did myself.

But I walked away.

We broke up over the phone because I knew I’d change my mind if I saw you. I refused to meet you because I knew I’d come running back to your arms.

I cried on the bus, and cried some more when I came home.

The days that followed were as empty as I felt inside.

Work, home, repeat.

I dated to forget.

And I did.

Time really heals all wounds.

But on some nights, I find myself looking up your name and staring at it more than I should, mentally debating with myself whether to call you or not.

I miss you.

You were my mentor, my bestfriend and my cheerleader. You were my number one supporter.

You were everything I had when I had nothing.

And I was everything you got when your world started to fall apart, but unlike you, I turned my back on you.

I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry I broke you.

I should’ve tried harder for both of us, but I chose to give you up. I was a fool for believing I wanted more. I didn’t want more, I just failed to see you were enough.

..

It’s like what they always say: what goes around, comes around.

Of Trauma and Nightmares

“I now know, you must endure things you cannot endure, be worn out by the things you cannot accept, that there are nights when your eyes are brimming with tears. And daresay I know.. what you’ve dreamt of, and what you’ve lost.”

-정희재 [어쩌면 내가가장 듣고 싶었던 말]

On those nights,
you calmed me down.

You held me in your arms
in complete silence,
lamenting those memories —
my tragedy —
with me.

You understood my grief.
You knew my struggles.

While I saw myself
as piece of flesh,
you saw me as
a person worthy
to be loved,
to be respected.

While I deluded myself
into thinking
I could hide
behind a veil,
you exposed me.

You laid my soul bare.
You set my soul free.