From me to you

Let me set your expectations: being with me will drive you crazy.

I will be clingy and needy, then completely shut you out. For no reason.

I will crave for your touch, then hate you for too much physical contact. Just because.

I will demand for your time, but I’ll ignore you if I want to.

I will require your attention and loyalty, yet I will keep myself preoccupied with my goals.

I will keep you on your toes all the time. I will make you question where you stand in my life. And this will eventually drive you mad.

Being with me will drive you crazy..

But rest assured, you will have all of me.

I guess this is how our story ends.

I saw you today, and my heart didn’t skip a beat.

I saw you from a distance, looking exactly the same when I last saw you. There you were, standing in the middle of a busy walkway, waiting for me. Which seems funny since I was always the one waiting for you.

I walked faster, not because I was excited to see you. I just wanted to get this over with.

You smiled when you saw me. I didn’t. My face was as blank as what I was feeling for a while.

Normally, I wouldn’t be able to hide how happy I was to spend time with you. But today, it felt as if I was meeting an acquaintance I haven’t seen for long time. Everything looked familiar — except I felt disconnected.

You knew something was off. You knew there was space between us so you tried to engage me, as if nothing happened.

As if nothing happened. The very reason we ended up like this. You did me wrong, told me you were sorry — and that’s it. In a fit of anger, I asked you to exert some effort just this once. I waited.

I waited for nothing.

Our meeting was brief — you had to go to work and I had a class. Back then, I’d whine because no matter how much time we spent together, it always seemed too short. I always asked for more, but you had other things to attend to, so I had to wait until next time.

I actually thought I could keep this up. I told you what I needed. I told you what I was afraid of. I was ready to do anything for you, you just had to keep your end of the bargain. You tried, but you couldn’t.

You knew once I cross my limit, there’s no going back. You tried your luck, and here we are.

I’m sorry.

Sorry, but I’m beyond exhausted.

​Letting go of people isn’t as dramatic as most people portray it to be. Sometimes, it’s just you, in the middle of the night, lost in your thoughts, trying to make sense of what happened and is (still) happening.

Then something snaps.

You forget how to feel for awhile. You struggle to remember why you’re doing things for people in the first place. You convince yourself that you love them and you can endure anything for them, but your words come out as empty as every promise they made.

And a realization dawns on you: you’ve had enough.

You can’t make yourself cross another line for them because now, you see what they won’t do for you. Even if they can.

It’s sad to walk away from people you care about most. But when you have to keep killing your own mind so you can deal with the insanity of the situation, what other choice do you have? When you have to lose yourself in the process of building them up, what else is there to live for?

Blurred lines

You keep hiding.
You keep lying.

But why?
What for?

Have I not proven myself enough?
You think you have me in the palm of your hand?

I told you to tell me everything –
Anything –
Because I will understand.
I will try my best to understand.

Yet you break my heart,
you break my trust.

Now, I’m having difficulty distinguishing
where your truth ends and your lies begin.

Hello, mister.

One dysfunctional relationship after another,
I started to question if I was asking for too much.
What others got easily, I have to find with difficulty.

Meeting the wrong people at the right time,
Meeting the right people at the wrong time.
I just couldn’t get it right.

And then you came.
I don’t know what to make of your presence in my life,
But the way you crave for me makes me believe that maybe —
Just maybe —
Someone’s meant for me.

What I’ll tell my future daughter about love, Part 1

Someday, when I have a daughter,
I’ll tell her everything I learned about love.

I may not know what love is exactly,
But I can at least tell her how it feels.

I’ll tell her how my heart skipped a beat when I was 12,
For a boy whose IQ surpassed everyone in our city,
Whose charisma overflowed that girls our age eyed me with envy,
Whose Vic Sotto-inspired pick up lines I found very funny.

I’ll tell her how awkward it felt the first time I held his hand,
How embarrased I was the first time he hugged me tight.

I’ll tell her how confusing it was when my parents learned I liked someone,
How they told me to stop because whatever I was feeling surely wasn’t love,
How they told me to focus on my studies so I wouldn’t end up marrying young.

I’ll tell her how high school passed by with a string of flings,
How I couldn’t have a relationship like my peers because my parents kept an eye on me.

I’ll tell her how a boy in my university made me weak in the knees,
How I was finally free to like someone back, away from my parents’ scrutiny.

I’ll tell her how it broke my heart when he told me he was leaving,
That we had to break up because it would be hard for us to keep dating.

I’ll tell her how I met another boy who fixed my broken heart,
How I clung onto his promises during the lowest point of my life,
And how he turned out to be as toxic as the memories that dragged me down.

[ to be continued ]

Dear Old Love

We’re ten years apart, but age was just a number for us.

You knew me like the back of your hand.
How I turned into a chatterbox when I was with you.
How I always fell silent when I was upset.
How I tried hard to keep it in so I wouldn’t say something I’d regret.
How we’d hug it out after our silence because some things were better left unsaid.

You understood me more than I did myself.

But I walked away.

We broke up over the phone because I knew I’d change my mind if I saw you. I refused to meet you because I knew I’d come running back to your arms.

I cried on the bus, and cried some more when I came home.

The days that followed were as empty as I felt inside.

Work, home, repeat.

I dated to forget.

And I did.

Time really heals all wounds.

But on some nights, I find myself looking up your name and staring at it more than I should, mentally debating with myself whether to call you or not.

I miss you.

You were my mentor, my bestfriend and my cheerleader. You were my number one supporter.

You were everything I had when I had nothing.

And I was everything you got when your world started to fall apart, but unlike you, I turned my back on you.

I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry I broke you.

I should’ve tried harder for both of us, but I chose to give you up. I was a fool for believing I wanted more. I didn’t want more, I just failed to see you were enough.

..

It’s like what they always say: what goes around, comes around.

Of Trauma and Nightmares

“I now know, you must endure things you cannot endure, be worn out by the things you cannot accept, that there are nights when your eyes are brimming with tears. And daresay I know.. what you’ve dreamt of, and what you’ve lost.”

-정희재 [어쩌면 내가가장 듣고 싶었던 말]

On those nights,
you calmed me down.

You held me in your arms
in complete silence,
lamenting those memories —
my tragedy —
with me.

You understood my grief.
You knew my struggles.

While I saw myself
as piece of flesh,
you saw me as
a person worthy
to be loved,
to be respected.

While I deluded myself
into thinking
I could hide
behind a veil,
you exposed me.

You laid my soul bare.
You set my soul free.

To you who need to start believing in himself

“You’re good for nothing,” they repeatedly said.
And so you grew up believing you wouldn’t amount to anything.

They thought you were always talking back.
They didn’t know you were trying to reason out with their own logic.

They thought you were just fooling around.
They didn’t know they were the reason you didn’t try hard.

They failed to see the expanse of the universe in your mind.
They failed to see the depth of your own understanding of the world you grew up in.

My love, open your eyes to your own possibilities.
Life clipped your wings once — do not let it happen twice.
Soar with your dreams and see the world from above.

Do not let anyone dictate what lies ahead.
Do not let their own fear be your own.

There will be a lot of naysayers —
even those who tell you they love you will try to put you down.

Be with people who see how far you’ll reach.
Be with people who believe how much potential you have.

Persist and don’t ever quit.

Your future lies in your hands.
Be firm with your goals and see yourself where you wanted to be.

I write because [we] exist.

I wield words for a living, but you disarm me with your stare. You make me speechless. You make me feel defenseless. You make me feel vulnerable and weak.

You took my heart with you that fateful day. Sure, I had to fight for yours for a while because it wasn’t where I wanted it to be. It wasn’t easy, but here we are now – side by side, doing everything in our power to stay together.

We have things and people to take care of, but everytime we meet, all our worries and responsibilities fade into the music of own laughter and stories. They keep tearing us apart, so we keep building a world of our own, always stronger than before.

But babe, everytime we say goodbye, my heart breaks a little. We look back as many times as we can until we’re both out of sight. We wish time would stand still because we just can’t get enough. We crave more as we stay longer, but knowing we’ll always be around, we let go. We wait. We patiently wait.

My love, know that you have me. I am yours, and no one can change that except for the one who owns my heart – you.

I love you, babe.
Since then.
Until now.
For as long as I can.